Saturday, December 24, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
xoxo Rob and Robbie
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
In honor of the changing of seasons, here is a very under-rated pop gem by Britney. Happy Fall Ya'll!
Friday, September 2, 2011
Friday, August 12, 2011
It’s been two weeks since Robbie and I first set foot onto Dallas soil and at this point all we really have to show for it are a few tan lines and a few empty In N Out rappers left from our excessive weekly visits. Whoever wrote that USA article with the headline “Need a Job? Move to Texas” seriously has a sick sense of humor. Turns out jobs don’t just grow on trees down here like the article had suggested. Part of the problem may be that I’m being a little picky at this point because I’m really not ready to go back to a retail job, especially since my soul has finally recovered from working the Macy’s holiday season last Christmas. It’s just too soon. Robbie actually had a job for about a week but he quit this morning because he just couldn’t handle the thought of serving tables again.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
So here I am, 1,789 miles later. It was a pretty smooth trip for the most part. I had a bit of an uneasy feeling most of the drive because there seemed to be an alarmingly large of amount of traffic heading in the complete opposite direction of Texas while Robbie and I were usually the only two cars for miles heading south. Was there something people weren’t telling us? The drive was boring as hell for a majority of the ride. Don’t even get me started Wyoming. All I can say is thank God for Little America and its 50-cent cones. Luckily Robbie and I both have Verizon cell plans so we were able to talk on the phone for hours on end without worrying about using up our minutes. The original plan had been to use walkie talkies as a form of communication but they got packed away with the UHAUL with the Karaoke machine so our homage to the 90’s didn’t end up happening. Another bump along the way happened 5 minutes from the Oklahoma border when I was allegedly speeding through a 35 MPH zone at an alarming rate of 45 MPH. Again, I stress that these are pure allegations. Robbie was hot on my tail with the UHAUL when I looked behind me to see the all too familiar glow of red and blue lights. Robbie was most likely texting, reading a book, or falling asleep at the wheel during this time because we drove about 2 miles before he even noticed the cop. I was torn between pulling over with him or driving on a head. I chose the latter because I wasn’t about to give this Colorado cop a 2 for 1 special, I was in serious need of a power nap, and I had packed away my Geico Insurance cards so if the cop got all chatty Cathy and up in my business I would have been screwed. The second run in with the law happened later that night just as we were pulling into Dallas at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am. I was completely delusional and reciting monologues from NPR at this point to keep me from losing it when once again, the all too familiar glow of red and blue lights came on. This time I was completely not at fault because Robbie had forgotten to put on his blinker when changing lanes. Before I knew it Robbie was facedown on the ground in handcuffs while the police officer searched through our UHAUL with the accusation that we were smuggling illegal aliens in our 8 x10 trailer. The main giveaway that two white boys from Seattle were obviously human trafficking was the fact that our tags were expired. And when I say expired I mean they expired in 1996. How this minor and vitally important detail had gone unnoticed by UHAUL Enterprises for the past 15 years will always remain a mystery.
All that drama aside, you will all be pleased to know that Robbie and I are fun, flirty, and thriving down here in Dallas. It’s incredibly different from the big city yankee life I’ve grown accustomed to in the Pacific Northwest and I still have a lot to learn but here are a few lessons learned so far:
1.Never under any circumstance should one attempt to use chapstick that has been sitting in a car for hours on end in 110 degree weather. It will only result in second degree burns and leave you looking like you just made out with a glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. Just trust me on this one.
2. Never attend a pool party unless you’ve been given a 24 hour notice. Robbie and I were invited to our first pool party approximately 1 hour before it was planned to start which coincidentally was the morning that I decided to go on a carb binge and devour a plate of spaghetti, a bagel, and a bowl of cheerios all before 11 am. Sadly I attended my first pool party with a food baby that made me look like I’d just entered my 3rd trimester, which wasn’t exactly the kind of splash I was hoping to make.
3. Never go through the 4 lane drive thru line at the local In n Out on a day when there is a heat advisory of 110 degrees and the local news anchor tells you not to leave your home even if an intruder with a knife breaks in. Robbie and I thought we were stronger than these pansy Texans who couldn’t handle a little heat and set out for our favorite fast food restaurant. Before we knew it the car had overheated and was utterly incapable of producing air conditioning. We of course were stuck in the drive through line at this point with sweat flowing down our bodies like Niagara Falls. I was about to pass out at the wheel when we miraculously pulled up to the pick up window. We had ordered 5 different beverages and I voraciously took giant gulps out of each one as I passed them over to Robbie who by that point was unresponsive and had the grip of a newborn kitten. Luckily we were in his car so it wasn’t my problem if the strawberry milkshake fell onto the upholstery. Once we got our food we made the decision to make a run for it into the In n Out where after being revived by the friendly staff enjoyed a lovely air conditioned meal.
In more important news, I would like to draw your attention to the above picture. This is my GOOD friend Maddie. Yesterday, Maddie drove two hours out of her way with the sole purpose of seeing my smiling face BECAUSE SHE’S A GOOD FRIEND. Take notes people, real friends visit their friends who are stranded in Texas without enough money in the bank to afford a one-way ticket back to Washington. Thanks Maddie. You’re the best. Also, in case you were wondering, Robbie and I will be moving into our new, adorable, 1950’s apartment next week where the floor, coffee table, and bathtub will always be available for visitors and weary travelers who need a place to sleep. See ya’ll real soon J
P.S. A special thanks goes out to: Jess Miller, Lauren Suerth, George and Cathy, Adrian Fry, and the Widstrom Family who all provided Robbie and myself with food and shelter during our longer journey. Love you all!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Well. I sure didn’t see this coming, but we are in a recession so I suppose nothing as far as job opportunities should surprise me at this point. Heck, at this point I could see myself dressed up as the Statue of Liberty and waving my sign along the streets of Ballard as I lure passers by into Liberty Tax Service for a free consultation. In other words, I got my old job back at the fruit stand. After going to college for 4 years and getting a degree you really hope that you don’t end up back at your first job. However, due to my lack of other options and that fact that if I had to ask one more non English speaking person who forgot their ID at “home”(AKA Tijuana) if they wanted to join the Macy’s Star Rewards Program I may have gone plum loco.
It’s really not so bad being back. I started the job in early April after my old boss called me up because he had heard from my old coworker Charlotte that I was looking for work. After explaining the position he told me exactly why I would be great for the job. “Well Rob, I know you won’t steal from me. The old women who come in to the store just love you. And you’re under the age of 60.” This may be the only time in my life where I am practically over qualified for a job. How could I refuse?? Plus he offered to pay me more than Macy’s, and money talks. Also, the thought of getting my arms back in shape was a rather appealing thought. You see a big part of my day at work revolves around me scooping ice cream for the customers, which gives the old gun show quite a work out. Well, at least my right arm that I scoop with is slowly getting back to Michelle Obama arms status. The left arm still looks about as solid as a pile of undercooked pancakes. Luckily, watermelon season is coming up which will hopefully evenly tone everything out.
My one big fear with taking the job was thought of what it would do to my waistline. You see, although on the outside I may appear bronzed and toned with an eight-pack you could bounce quarters off of, deep inside I am secretly a fat kid. Thus being surrounded by tons of candies, cheeses, salami, and the best ice cream in the world (Upqua to be precise) can prove challenging. All I can say is God bless the woman who invented spanks. The first summer I worked at the fruit stand I consumed roughly a quart of Huckleberry Chessecake/ Pralines N’ Cream a day which caused me to gain roughly 10-15 pounds in less than 2 months. It wasn’t pretty and I have tried to limit myself to one to 2.5 scoops a week but I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this sort of self control.
One of the things that really drove me crazy about my last job at Macy’s were the high maintenance customers who seemed to flock to my check out stand like a moth to the flame. And although it’s definitely less of a problem these days I still get to deal with the joys of retail. The biggest problem with the fruit stand is having to on a daily basis explain the whole bathroom situation to a bunch of female overactive bladders. You wouldn’t believe the looks women have given me when I tell them that our restroom is a portable located in the parking lot. They always give me these disgusted and shocked looks as they slowly walk away shaking their heads. I don’t get it!? I mean what’s really the big deal. You’d think I was asking them to pop a squat outside against the Maple Tree and use the fallen leaves as toilet paper?! Come one people. There are kids in third world countries who give up their pair of brand new TOMS shoes to have that honey bucket as their bathroom so let’s take a chill pill and don’t forget to use the hand sanitizer on your way out.
Aside from el banjo, there’s always gonna be that one person who’s unhappy with our products. The other day a man came in with a more than half eaten bag of caramel pecan popcorn and before slamming it down on the counter he had he audacity to tell me that he had bought it yesterday and that it “tasted old”. Considering the fact that he himself was old and had taste buds that probably have less than 5% of battery life left in them I assumed he was just looking for a freebie and I was not about to give in. After several seconds of awkward eye contact I think he started to read between the lines that I wasn’t about to just give him a new bag. So I asked him if he minded if I try it. I told him I found it to be delicious and quickly finished the rest of the bag before he stormed out without as much of a “enjoy your evening” or “thanks for your help”. Of course now that I think about it that was probably a poor life choice. He definitely isn’t a regular and he totally could have roofied the caramel corn, thus causing me to wake up in an old grain elevator with my brand new pair of Keen's nowhere to be found, 52 missed calls, 35 voicemails, and 10 picture messages of Elly sleeping. All from my mother, of course. Let’s be real, you just can’t trust anyone these days...even if they do look like they’re a member of the Country Club.
Shortly after this incident another old man and his son came in. After asking the man several times if he needed help finding anything and being blatantly ignored, the son told me that his dad was looking for a tomato plant. Something had obviously crawled up the old man’s butt and died that morning and I almost asked him if maybe that’s where his beloved tomato plant had gone but held my tongue because I can’t afford to lose this job. “Sorry we’re totally out of those right now”, I politely explained. “But Kmart is about a mile down the road and they have wonderful lawn and garden center with quite a selection” The old man whipped around and retorted,” Now you know g-damn well that Kmart’s got nothin’ but shitty plants that ain’t gonna do squat once you plant them in the ground. “Well actually I didn’t know that” I replied. “I’ve actually always been a big fan of the blue light specials, and in fact I just found a beautiful pin striped pant suit from the Kathy Ireland Collection last weekend that’s just to die for. Forget the fact that it’s a thread count of 20 that feels like a burlap sack against my skin, because I haven’t had this many compliments since I bought my size 6 Gloria Vanderbuilt shorts at a random Goodwill in Alabama!”
If you haven’t noticed yet, I deal with a lot of old people on a daily basis. I would say that nearly 50% of my customers are over the age of 65. Most of them require a shopping cart, not to fill with food items mind you, but because without it they would collapse onto the floor within two steps down the antique isle. I keep telling my boss we could make a fortune selling tennis balls for all of our regulars to put on their walkers. I could even bedazzle them on really slow days….he’s not totally sold on the idea, but give it time and he will see the light. More often than not my interactions with these adorable old men and women can lead to nothing but hilarious/confusing conversations. Conversations such as women telling me how much they would love to buy a bag of salt water taffy but they know their husbands will find it and they just can’t afford to buy them any more crowns for their teeth. Then there was the lady with her toy poodle who for no reason whatsoever felt it was necessary to convince me that her dog absolutely loved asparagus. After several moments of practically shoving a whole stalk of asparagus down the dog’s throat, it proceeded to regurgitate his so called favorite vegetable all over my recently mopped floor. I was not amused. One of my recent and enlightening convos happened as I was scooping some ice cream and the woman waiting in line was explaining to me in a very concerned and alarmed voice that Mexicans are taking over McDonald’s. She was adamant that the white people who needed those jobs at the drive thru window were being thrown to the curb due to this underground Latino based conspiracy. I proceeded to give her directions to the nearest Red Box where I gave her specific instructions to rent the documentaries “A Day Without A Mexican” and of course “Super Size Me” cuz gurrls not doing herself any favors by having a sausage McMuffin every day of the week.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
If you’ve browsed through any news source today you may have noticed that Elizabeth Taylor passed away this morning. I found out once when I saw the front page of CNN and as usual when I hear of a classic Hollywood stars passing I quickly slipped into a moment of intense grief and mourning. I don’t know what it is but whenever one of those old movie stars pass away I get all crazy emotional and it’s a total buzz kill to my day. You should have seen me on the days that Deborah Kerr and Charlton Heston passed away. I WAS A WRECK. A stranger would have thought they were my grandparents or something. This just goes to show that I wasn’t joking when I ‘ve claimed to have an unhealthy fascination with all things pop culture and celebrity. All I’m saying is that the day Britney Spears kicks it I will NOT be attending my daily game of Bingo at my retirement home in Palm Springs. Lord willing I go first because I’m not sure if my heart could take the pain.
So normally during these dark times I crave a good movie marathon as a way of remembering the movie legends and I’ve found it’s a healthy way to channel my grieving. Now since my parents are still using rabbit ears to get the news, I obviously won’t be tuning into the 24 Hour TCM Elizabeth Taylor marathon *Sigh* :’(. However we already have quite a few movies of hers and I even went out and rented Cleopatra and Butterfield 8, which I’ve never seen before so I’m super stoked. I was really hoping to add National Velvet to the marathon but after spending most of my morning scouring the shelves of Shopko, Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Bi-Mart, Hot Poop, and the public library I came out empty handed. It’s days like this that I loathe living in a small town because we have no selection! I was really surprised that Bi-Mart didn’t have it because 90% of their movies have a horse or John Wayne on the cover. I will give them this, they obviously know who their target audience is these days.
The main reason that I had my heart set on National Velvet is because it’s one of the first movies I remember seeing as a young tyke and and it was also the first movie starring Elizabeth Taylor. Even though it's been like 20 years I remember being super into it. I mean how could you not be? Elizabeth Taylor? Mickey Rooney? Angela Lansbury pre-animated teapot fame??? My first viewing of the movie was also around the time my mom’s favorite scent was White Diamonds by Elizabeth Taylor, what can I say she’s a classy lady, and I totally got it for her as a Christmas present one year. Since those days I’ve become much more acquainted with her film work such as Little Women, in which she is absolutely hilarious. A Place in a Sun, which is super good and she looks AMAZING and it stars one of my other favs, Montgomery Clift. Then there’s Giant, where she stars alongside Rock Hudson and James Dean. Another fav would be Cat on a Hot Tin Roof which was written by Tennessee Williams so how could it not be good?? But I really think the quintessential Liz movie would have to be Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf. It’s just so different from anything she ever did and it’s also what got her a second Academy Award. If you haven't seen any of these movies I've mentioned, shame on you. Fix it.
Now that I think about it I guess I can’t recall a time of life when I didn’t know about Liz which I guess is why a feel a tinge of sadness with her passing. It’s strange how we can grow attached to people we’ve never met. I remember hearing about a man who was interviewed in some documentary about film addicts and he said that the day Audrey Hepburn died was worse than when he’s lost family members. HOW CRAZY IS THAT! Hopefully I don’t ever get to that point….. however I will forever love Liz and be fascinated by her life. Her work as an artist. Her Beauty. Those violet eyes. Her private life dramas. And I mean I know that she made some poor life choices, eight marriages was a bit obsessive, but I mean we’ve all made mistakes. Above all else, I do truly admire her for the work she did raising money and awareness for the fight against AIDS during a time when people were very judgmental and unsympathetic to those affected by the disease.
RIP LIZ. You rock my socks off.
Thursday, March 17, 2011