Car Troubles in Dallas

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

5:36 PM

Well I’m patiently awaiting the return of the stressed out looking Discount Tires man who is gonna tell me why my tire is flat and whether or not I’ll be spending my whole month’s salary on a new pair of tires. Happy Birthday to me…….*begins to sob uncontrollably* Ugh. Cars. Can’t live with em. Can’t live without em. My boss’s daughter was the one that first alerted me to the problem. I wasn’t too surprised after I remembered how a light with an explanation point had been lighting up my dashboard for over a week now. Maybe my car had been trying to tell me something? All I know is I’m already missing my Les Schwab Tire Store with their friendly service and endless amounts of popcorn. This is the second time this week I’ve had the luxury of lounging in an auto mechanic shop and my big question is how the hell does someone get a People magazine around these sorts of places!?? I ran into the same problem yesterday at Kwik Kar but wasn’t about the address the problem because I knew I’d be wasting my breath with people who not only misspelled the word “Quick” but “Car” as well. Public schools these days……You know it’s bad when your best option for light reading is Seventeen Magazine, but I was getting desperate because it was either that or ESPN magazine *shudder*. The funniest thing about the whole experience was that one of the guys working on my car kept taking mini breaks by coming into the lobby to watch whatever football game was on TV. He must have felt we had some sort of common interest in the sports because he kept talking to me about the game and would make loud cheering noises and then look awkwardly at me and await my response to the latest touchdown. Did he really think a 25 year old man who was browsing the pages of Seventeen with Britney from Glee on the cover and lightly skimming through the article that went into vivid detail about how Lauren Conrad died her hair 3 different colors in a single week gave a flying rip?!?!? Apparently I’m REAL good feigning interest.

All this has to be God’s way of punishing me for waiting beyond the 30 day limit in which a new resident of Texas is allowed to register their vehicle. It’s something I’ve been dreading. Both for financial reasons and pure laziness. Also it’s a bit of a thrill to drive through the freeway tolls for free thanks to my Washington license plates. I’m sure going to miss those moments. I honestly probably would have put the whole thing off longer if my license wasn’t about to expire in less than two weeks, thus making it very necessary.  Especially if I have any desire to buy a celebratory drink on my  B-day. I’m not totally opposed to the idea of getting a new I.D. card. Especially since I’ve run into several situations where people looked at me like I’d handed them a fake drivers license. Sorry big bouncer man at the Hard Rock Casino in Biloxi, 2006 was a long time ago and people change.  But it will be nice to have a picture that is more to my likeness. The lame part is that I have to retake my driving tests all over again which I think is just ridiculous. Pretty sure my grandfather was driving late into his mid nineties with no questions asked by the local government, and here I come all young, quick minded, with a perfect driving record having to prove that I still remember how to turn on my blinker when changing lanes. Where’s the logic?? And don’t even get me started on how parallel parking is one of my many if not most utilized spiritual gifts. Don’t even go there girlfriend, mkaaaaay.

Uh oh. The girl sitting to my left just started crying. She also must have noticed the sorry excuse for a magazine rack….

Thursday, November 3, 2011

9:19 AM

I’ve only been awake for 2 hours and I’m so ready to go home, lock my bedroom door, crawl into bed and hibernate till say mid March.  It’s been another Red Letter day and in my attempt at being a just, upright, and outstanding citizen I bit the bullet this morning and headed to downtown Dallas to get my car registered.  I should have taken it as a bad omen when I realized that the Dallas County Tax Office is located several yards away from where Kennedy was assassinated, but I had other things on my mind. Street parking was hard to find but I eventually found a spot with a parking meter. After ravaging my car for change like a meth addict I luckily found a quarter that I had missed during last weeks search for laundry money which meant I had enough change to buy me 23 minutes of time. I knew I’d be cutting it close but it’s the best I could do. It was all rather frantic as I was throwing all the necessary paperwork into a folder and wiping away the spilt coffee off my jeans (I’d left my thermos at work so I had to make due with my Paris Starbucks mug….found out the hard way there are a few potholes in downtown that need IMMEDIATE attention). Anyways so frantic was I that I failed to realize at the time that I was parking in a tow away zone. I swear I’m dyslexic when it comes to tow away signs in that I usually see the opposite of what the sign says. It’s happened before and I’m sure it’ll happen again. So I run like a madman into the building before catching my death of pneumonia because we had our lowest temperature for the year this morning which was a staggering 44 degrees as of 8am, which after a 110 degree summer my body is not prepared for in the slightest.  The whole process of getting the plates went way more smoothly than expected and I left with a much smaller bank account but an optimistic outlook on the day. All that went down the crapper once I returned to my car to find six minutes remaining on my parking meter and a whopping parking ticket on the windshield. I debated screaming and throwing garbage cans into the street but remembered I could no longer afford a fine for appearing to be intoxicated in public.  But seriously Dallas, I just gave you an ungodly amount of money for 2 license plates that probably weren’t even American-made and I’m giving you a full year of my life that I’ll never get back. What more do you want from me and what kind of grace filled community am I living in!?!??!?! And on top of it all I totally could have saved that stupid quarter, either for next week’s laundry or for my state quarter collection, which by the way is nearing completion.

In retrospect of this mornings events I suppose I have more in common with JFK than I ever realized? We both rocked the Ray-Ban Wayfarer, both shared a love for classic movie stars and we both got screwed over by the city of Dallas in the month of November. Guess we should have looked into that whole public transportation thing...

My Oh So A-List Life in Dallas

It’s been two weeks since Robbie and I first set foot onto Dallas soil and at this point all we really have to show for it are a few tan lines and a few empty In N Out rappers left from our excessive weekly visits. Whoever wrote that USA article with the headline “Need a Job? Move to Texas” seriously has a sick sense of humor. Turns out jobs don’t just grow on trees down here like the article had suggested. Part of the problem may be that I’m being a little picky at this point because I’m really not ready to go back to a retail job, especially since my soul has finally recovered from working the Macy’s holiday season last Christmas. It’s just too soon. Robbie actually had a job for about a week but he quit this morning because he just couldn’t handle the thought of serving tables again.

Last week we had a minor freak out moment as we were laying by the pool wondering how we were going to pay for our next Lean Cuisine. In the moment of panic Robbie decided we should try applying for work as actors. I had my initial reservations but was encouraged by the fact that I had just watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Selena Gomez who turns out was actually discovered by Talent Scouts in Dallas! And seriously, what’s she got that I ain’t got…..ok….aside from teen heart throb and the voice of our generation who goes by the name of Justin Bieber??? We saw on Craigslist that a film company was in search of young, attractive, local, talent. Obviously we felt we were overqualified for the positons but we figured it was still worth a shot. Only downside was it was a Vampire movie with the working title of “Vamps”. Super lame but everybody has to start somewhere. Robbie read for the role of the lead brooding male character named Nick and I read for the part of the Colt. I don’t like to brag but we kinda nailed it. Granted it took a few retakes on the webcam due to our random breakdown into school girl giggles over how terrible the script was. Here’s the scene we read for and all I can say is brace yourself for some writing that makes The Hills look like a Pulitzer Prize winning literary masterpiece.

NICK

You're not going to believe me.

COLT

Try me. This screwed up world never ceases to amaze me.

NICK

Vampires.

COLT

Vampires?

NICK

It's true! I'm not crazy! They've been after me my whole life!

COLT

Those three guys?

NICK

Not them, them. But others like them. They found me in this town, again.

COLT

How do you know they're vampires? I didn't see any fangs.

NICK

Trust me. They are. They also show up in mirrors. Don't trust movies. Or books. That's all fiction.

COLT

Still. How do you know?

NICK

They've been after me since they killed my parents years ago. They've left me messages from time to time--

COLT

Messages?

NICK

Yes. Like the killings at the hotel. Those were messages for me!

Aaaaaaaaaand end scene.

I don’t know if ya’ll have heard but Dallas is kinda turning into the new LA. In other words, I couldn’t have moved at a better time because they are currently filming three different shows here in town, which is great because I love to have options. First, there’s the revamp of the classic show "Dallas", then there’s the “Most Eligible Dallas” which follows around a group of single men and women, and then there’s "The A-List: Dallas". With all this going on around me, how could I not be discovered??? Just like Lana Turner was discovered at Scwabb’s Drug Store, I’m pretty sure any day now some big Hollywood agent will spot me out of the corner of his eye as I make my way to the counter for my free Tall Starbucks Black Iced Tea refill. I’m on the verge of my big break. On the edge of glory! It’s obviously the reason God brought me to Dallas.

Being surrounded by the flashing lights of paparazzi and rubbing elbows with celebrities is something that I’ve grown very accustomed to during fast paced life as a Walla Walla socialite. Prepare yourself from some major name droppin. Did Tanya from the Real World have her Senior pictures taken in my back yard? Yes. Did I make eye contact with Josh Duhamel in the Vatican during my European travels? Yes. Did I wait at the same baggage carousel at SEATAC as Toby McGuire, also known as Spiderman? Yes. And last Saturday, did I meet and possibly offend a current cast member of the The A-List: Dallas? HELL TO THE YEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!! My first run in with said Dallas celebrity happened last Saturday night. It was my first night out on the town and I was hanging out with some friends around a pool table at a local bar when this guy who’s name I would later find out was Chase put his designer man bag down on the pool table next to us. It happened to be in the spot where my friend Zack had been sitting so I politely and eloquently yelled, “HEY! Could you move you’re Claire’s bag so my friend can sit here?!?!” Chase got a tad bit defensive over my insinuation that his bag had been purchased at every teenage girls favorite store known as Claire’s and he worked himself into a lil tizzy telling us Lord knows what brand it was and much it cost. Blah blah blah. Don’t care. Bored by the story. Talk to the hand. Then along comes my friend Philip who it turns out knows the guy and quickly explains to me he’s a cast member of The A-List: Dallas. I immediately go in for damage control and turn on the charm with the hope that I’ll be invited to become a witty reoccurring cast member on the show. I’m still waiting for the Evite on that but Chase did say they are filming the show for the next 2 months and that he would try to let me know the next time they need extras for background scenes. So don’t change that channel, because I may be coming to a living room near you, real soon, in High Definition!

GLEE TONIGHT!!!

So I’m sitting in room 209 and I just passed my first room inspection!!! Phew. I was a little worried. Especially when the guy checked for the dust on top of the dresser, which I had totally forgotten to wipe down. I was a little nervous but he said it was fine this time. Today I spent most of the day doing CPR and first aid training, which I hadn’t done since my mom made me take the babysitting class in 5^th grade in which I was the only boy in the class. Those were awkward times but I’m hoping if I do end up doing CPR this year it will be on something more exciting than a 5 year old choking on a pretzel.

Last night I found out who my team will be for the next 10 months which is something I had been anticipating/dreading because you never know how it could turn out. It was kinda sad at first because I really liked the team I had been put in for the first week of training and we had already started bonding since we had been together from the beginning but I’m excited to get to know the new people in my group and see what happens this year! Some people literally started crying on the spot once they saw who their team was so I’m counting my blessings. Another disappointment was that by getting put in a new group I was assigned a new kitchen and I went from having the most pimped out Rachel Ray kitchen of campus to the spare room someone put a fridge and toaster oven in and decided that two George Forman Grills are the equivalence of a real oven. I beg to differ. Another source of stress these days are that we have to start cooking once a week for our team and I haven’t admitted to them yet that I’m completely useless in a kitchen without a crockpot. I mean maybe I could make it in the George Foreman and it would be so low fat but probably not as tender.

Last Sunday I got my first look at downtown Vinton and I was little let down after being spoiled by living in Seattle for 5 years. Even though it’s a really cute town and supposedly has a kick ass dollar store everything closes so early! For instance, the coffee shop is closed by 4pm during the week and 2pm on Sunday! Who’s even up before two on a Sunday?? I asked someone if there was a Starbucks in town and they just laughed and walked away. I’m starting to go through withdrawals. On Saturday I got so desperate for caffeine I walked ten minutes to Vinton’s only McDonalds which of course is connected to a gas station so it’s not even a legit one. I had my hopes set on a mocha from the McCafe but settled for drip frankly because that was the only option and they looked at me like I was crazy when I asked for a mocha.

Tonight was the first AmeriCHOIR meeting and I am super stoked. The only thing the choir does is sing the Star Spangled Banner at graduation next August so we’ll have plenty of time to work out the kinks. As usual there were only three guys including myself who came to the first meeting and of course we’re all tenors. They asked me if I would mind singing bass but that’s ain’t happening in this lifetime so hopefully some basses turn up soon. Later tonight a big group of us are having our first GLEE party for the year so it’s shaping up to be a good night.