My First Year in Dallas

Howdy! Hope ya’ll had a very happy Labor Day! This is my second Labor Day Weekend in Dallas, which means I’ve officially made it a year in Texas! Still a little shocked I survived this long, especially with the ever looming fear of contracting West Nile from the pesky, murderous mosquitoes you’ve probably seen on the news.  It’s kind of turned into a problem and I’ve taken extra precautions this summer by wearing nothing but turtlenecks, cargo pants, and mosquito nets fashioned into a Burka for when I go on my evening runs. I don’t mess around. I mean people are dying and I’d like to think my immune system is stronger than that of a 95-year-old man but let’s be real, we all have our off days.

Despite the fact that this recent holiday usually implies that people should take a break from working I have done quite the opposite. This weekend was moving time so I have had my hands full convincing strangers on Craigslist that they should buy my cheap Ikea furniture, boxing up my belongings, and spraying 409 on everything in sight.  I am pretty excited about my new place because not only do I finally have access to a pool and exercise facility, but for the first time ever I have a washer and dryer that doesn’t require quarters to start a cycle ! It really is the little things in life.

 Looking back this has been quite the year in Texas. I really don’t think I had very high expectations when I moved south last July with my friend Robbie (also known as Vobbie when I talk in my second language of Svedish) but I must say Dallas has had it’s unexpected surprises and it’s provided me with a host of new opportunities and experiences. Some of the top highlights would have to be:

1.     I finally got my first job as a Graphic Designer, which alone made the move worth it. At age 26 I was really starting to stress about how this whole career thing was going to get started but I feel like I’ve learned a lot this year and that I’m finally catching my stride as a designer.

2.     I ran my first marathon!

3.     After years of devoted television watching I finally met the talented, beautiful and New York Times best selling author Lauren Conrad. I’m talking about LC of Laguna Beach and The Hills and yes, meeting her was definitely on my “unwritten” bucket list. Where my fascination and love with her stems from I’ll never know. What I do know is I don’t think I’ve ever been more nervous in my life than during the meet and greet at Barnes and Noble to promote her new book “The Fame Game”.  I swear every teenage girl in the Dallas/Fort Worth area was there and I was a one out of five guys, three of which were boyfriends who were simply there to document the whole thing. Luckily I had my office BFF Marlee to provide moral support, take pictures, and she may have packed a few smelling salts in the likelihood that I passed out in front of Lauren. Fortunately I kept it together despite the fact that girls were literally in tears at the thought of talking to her and I was being asked questions such as “what are you going to say to her!?!?!” or “will it be weird if I tell her she’s perfect, because I think she is!?!?” When my turn came to approach the book signing table I literally had an out of body experience. I completely forgot my monologue that I had rehearsed and I had such bad cotton mouth that I could barely squeak out a hello. Even though things didn’t go as planned and I was reduced to acting like every other school girl in the room, Lauren was the sweetest and hopefully at the next signing I’ll be able to keep more cool, calm, and collected. 

4.     I joined my first softball league! My friends Bart and Jason somehow convinced Robbie and I to join their team, Taddy’s Terriers, despite the fact that all games were held on Sunday morning, which can be a bit rough for an A-List socialite like myself.  Not that I was worried at all about my talent because I used to be a pretty big deal in the Walla Walla Valley Farm League. Granted it was over 15 years ago but age is just a number. After my coach made the mistake of thinking I was cut out for the outfield he put me on 2^nd base for the remainder of the season and I must say it was a much better fit. Turns out my hand eye coordination with fly balls ain’t what it was in 3^rd grade. But the end of the season I was voted the distinguished and sought after title of Most Improved. By now I’m used to accolades and critics choice awards and obviously I saw myself more as the Team MVP but beggars can’t be choosers. Robbie got Best Defensive and although you can’t count on him to throw a ball to first and have it be in the general vicinity of the 1^st baseman he sure knows how to hit a home run.

5.     I survived my first twister!

6.     I’m fairly certain I’m on a reality show and no one told me/failed to have me sign a consent form.  Literally everywhere I turn I see a cast member from  A-List Dallas and Dallas Most Eligible. The person I see the most is Matt Nordgren from Most Eligible and I’ve run into him buying jeans at the gap, watching a charity fashion show, and most recently at a Tuesday night worship service for young professionals. We of course haven’t talked but I assume it’s because the producers are trying to start of feud between us. Last week I went for a run on Katy Trail and ran by Glenn Pakulak from Most Eligible and I debated talking to him about the whole thing but I’m pretty sure I wasn’t mic’d  and there didn’t seem to be any cameras in sight so I didn’t see the point of having the conversation. Bravo recently confirmed that Courtney is going to have her own show soon and I’m expecting a letter from producers begging me to be her sassy male friend. I”ll consider it, but I may need to call LC to get her blessing before making any final decisions.

But most of all, thank you to all the wonderful folks I've met during my year here. It wouldn't have been half as fun with you :)

We Are Young

The Legacy of the Rob and Robbie show continues on. Here is our latest offering to the world in the form of a cover song to the bestie, Jess Miller. Sit back, relax, and let the sound of our angelic voices fill your cubicle.

A New Year in Austin

This past weekend was a very exciting one, for many reasons. Obviously it meant the end of 2011 and the dawning of what the Mayan’s are calling our last year on earth…but more importantly I finally got to visit one of the coolest cities ever. You may have heard of the place they call the capital of Texas, the land of the hipsters, the 3^rd fastest growing city in America, the Seattle of Texas, the live music capital of the world, the New Jerusalem and as of 3 days ago; the place where I want to grow old with my partner in crime and raise our hipster babies. Yes, I am speaking of the one and only, Austin. Ever since I crossed the Texas border last July people have done nothing but talk up this place. They told me I would love it and that I probably wouldn’t want to leave once i bathed in its glory. I was a little concerned that it had all been so built up in my mind that it would lead to nothing but disappointment. Turns out there was no need to fret. It was all that jazz and more. It’s probably a good thing I put off visiting this long because had this happened before getting my current job, I probably would have sneaked out of my apartment in the dead of  night before the next month's rent was due and never looked back. Sorry, Robbie. Too put it in simple terms, if Seattle and Portland ever hooked up and made a baby, it would be Austin.  After five months of living in Dallas with no water, mountains, or trees in sight, it was quite the sight for sore eyes to see a large river running through the middle of downtown and rolling green hills off in the distance. It brought a tear to these brown eyes. Who woulda thought this place would exist in Texas of all places!? It all made me feel right at home, especially the fact that the place is swarming with hipsters whom by now have gone nearly extinct in Dallas. Not that I am a hipster by any means. For one thing i don't chain smoke, I shower at least once a day, I haven't composted in years, and I've never bought anything from Whole Foods aside from a giftcard. Not to say we hipsters have nothing in common. I do love me some cutoffs on a summer day, rockin' the vintage T and Ray-Banz with Fleet Foxes playing gently in the background. More than anything, a hipster sighting leaves me feeling that I'm not so far away from my beloved Pacific Northwest. I'm sure Tamara was probably a little sick of me shrieking and pointing whenever a  hipster on a bike, with a beard, an ugly sweater, a PBR, or a cuorderoy pair of TOMS passed by, but I just couldn't help it! What can I say? It's like comin home.

Me and my Tamara loaded up the Mustang and left for Dallas on Friday after work and headed south to join up with some of her old El Paso friends. From that moment on the good times just kept on a rollin like the nearby Colorado River. Our first order of business was to head to Hotel Vegas because our friend had seen a poster that advertised "Free Beer" for the night. They had me at the word free and it almost was to good to be true! This must be the promised land! Come to find out this so called "Free Beer" was the name of the band performing that night. Sneaky bastards. I'll give them this; an A plus for their marketing strategy. After getting over the false advertisement, we went around taking in the local nightlife which was loads of fun. It involved a lot of dancing and bar hopping and at one point we ended up at a place where the dance floor was on top of an aquarium that used to have live sharks swimming around. Sadly some snitch from PETA found a dead shark in the back dumpster and shut down that operation real quickly. They can be so dramatic sometimes.

Morning soon came and the best part of waking up was the local Austin delicacy known as gingerbread pancakes which were hands down the best pancakes I've ever put in my mouth....and that's sayin' something. They were prepared by our generous hostess Natalie who also makes a mean mole' and who's apartment I now refer to as my timeshare, because God as my witness, I'll be back. The rest of the day was spent doing the things that  real Austinites do such as: browsing the shelves of vintage clothing shops, soaking up the 70 degree weather, dining on organic foods, making a quick stop at American Apparell, and applying an instagram filter to every picture on my camera roll. By the 30th instagram photo upload my fingers and legs were exhausted so we decided nap time was necessary if we wanted to stay awake late enough for the countdown of the ball dropping.

After getting ourselves all dolled up in our New Year's Eve attire and bougin' it up on public transportation, we made our grand entrance to a bar called Shangri-La via a high-speed pedicab ride. The pedicab ride alone was quite an adventure in and of itself and we were happy to be alive after being completely rear-ended by the pedicab that was following us with two of our other friends. Luckily no one, including the driver was injured although I have a feeling there were some choice words between the two drivers after we exited the vehicle because the guy totally dented the back of our pedicab and left it with some strange new squeaky noises. The theme at the bar for the night was sock hop which was really fun and different and let's just say my purely coincidental outfit choice of a clip on bow-tie and suspenders fit right in. Midnight came and went and my new year was ushered in by the sound of the 50's, surrounded by friends both old and new and I even managed to nab a New Year's kiss and possibly the tastiest quesadilla I'd ever tasted. Who could ask for more?

In an effort to prove to me that there are musical options I would enjoy that aren't found on VH1 Top 20 countdown, the 3 hour drive to and from Austin was spent expanding my current itunes library. Here are a few of the songs that are by no means new to the scene, but they are new to me and I hope they bring as much joy to your ears as they did mine. Happy New Year everyone :)

White Rock Marathon

I finally did it. I ran a marathon.  Still not exactly sure what provoked me to do such a thing. Possibly, the fact that I recently turned 26 and am just beginning to come to grips with the fact that the prime years of my life were at least 4 years ago. Back when Jack and Kate were still trapped on a island, Lauren Conrad was still friends with Heidi Montag and Marissa Cooper had just OD’d in TJ.  Ahhh, the golden years. Thus with only a few more good years left before the arthritis kicks in, time is of the essence. And besides, bucket lists don’t check themselves off! I had it narrowed down to the race or skydiving so I went for the slightly less terrifying option.  I started training back in the summer but once I moved to Texas where it was a cool 100 degrees by 11pm, the whole workout plan sort of fell apart. Especially, after the 3^rd minor heat stroke. Once October came around I started to hit it hard again and was really starting to put some miles on my new pair of Asics. Then came daylight savings and although I hate running in the dark I tried to make the best of it. For obvious safety reason I started running with an elastic headlamp around my waist as a way to light the way as I frantically prayed to God to send down a few ripped guardian angels to keep me and my iPod shuffle safe. Unfortunately the baby muffin top I‘ve acquired from my mixture of a year living with mom’s home cooking/ being drawn to In n Out like a moth to the flame, had a knack for pressing the on/off switch as I made my way down the road. Giving off a sort of strobe light effect it’s highly likely I sent several night drivers into fits of epilepsy.  My bad. Safety first people!

The 3 weeks leading up to the actual marathon weren’t pretty. I had come down with a slight chest cold right before my birthday and it ended up staying with me for 3 weeks, which really put a damper on my training regime. I was starting to wonder if I should call it quits because I had never run more than 13 miles at any given time. Seeing as I’d already spent half my birthday money on this non-refundable gift I decided to suck it up and give it my best shot. After carb loading like a mad man the night before, the morning of the race I awoke at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to the sound of torrential downfall. I was not pleased. I hadn’t really done my research on weather conditions for the day of the race so I wasn’t really equipped with the most appropriate attire. Luckily I had red emergency rain poncho that I’m guestimating I purchased back in 2002 and I’d been saving for a time of crisis. The time had come to break that seal and wave my poncho in all it’s glory, even if it did mean covering up my new slim fitting Dri Nike running shirt I’d purchased specifically for the occasion. I had totally dressed to impress because even if I didn’t make it to the finish line, I still wanted to look as Sporty Spice as possible.

I had 3 big fears going into racing day: 

Number 1 –

The possibility that I would shit my self myself mid race

Number 2-

The big unknown of where chafage might and most likely would occur over the course of four hours.

Number 3-

What would happen if my Ipod battery died and I no longer had the thumping beats of a Britney remix to keep me motivated??

As usual, I hadn’t done a very in depth research on marathon running and it wasn’t until talking with my friend Tamara the night before did I learn that it’s a common problem for people to poop themselves while running over long distances.  Thanks to a deadly combination of a generous helping of granola the morning of and pre race jitters, upon arriving at the starting line I had one of those “gotta go gotta go gotta go right now sort of moments.” Apparently I was not alone in the feeling and after standing in line for the honey buckets for almost 15 minutes I was finally able to take care of business before my ass exploded all over the streets of Dallas. I was sort of relieved in a way because I figured I probably wouldn’t need to go again for awhile, although due to my impromptu pit stop I was late for the start of the race and I totally missed the singing of the star spangled banner. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Aside from the fact that it was cold, rainy and I looked like the red M&M with my bright red poncho and icy white hands….Oh and did I mention I had to keep taking off my glasess every mile or so to wipe away the rain with a torn up Hanes shirt?? Yeah, that made me feel REAL cool. All that aside, the first 20 miles of the race were great. I was excited to be there.  I was tossin’ back Gatorade and electrolytes gummies like they were Jell-O shots. There were lots of enthusiastic people with hilarious signs like ““It’s long and hard, so do it fast” ,“Beer misses you too”, “1 Hours till Margaritas”, “Just keep swimming”.  I was digging my playlist and I had gotten a dry pair of socks at mile 9 from Bart, Tamara and KT, which put a little spring in my step while the rest of me was soaked to the bone.

Then came mile 20. Like a freight train. Turns out the episode of The Office where Andy’s nipples start to bleed during the company fun run were based on true events. I mean I had totally put Vaseline on the ol’ nips but I think a mixture of rain and sweat had swept it away miles back. In other words my chest was beginning to resemble a crime scene. I sure didn’t remember this part of “Chariots of Fire”??!! Thank goodness I’d gone with the black windbreaker instead of the white one cuz that would have been embarrassing. I was desperately looking around for anything to ease the pain and was keeping my peripherals peeled for someone with a tube of lip gloss, Chapstick, a maxi pad….ANYTHING to form a barrier between me and my wet shirt. I eventually gave up on that dream and went with the no pain no gain mentality.  As if I weren’t in enough agony, my legs started cramping up like crazy around this same time and I was pretty much over the whole marathon thing by mile 23. I tried my best to imagine myself gliding along on a Segway but it wasn't really helping. Deep down I was praying some random civilian would come out of nowhere and go all Nancy Kerrigan on my legs with a crowbar. At that point they would have been doing me a favor. I know that was so the 1990’s but at least that way I would’ve had a legit reason for not finishing the marathon and still left with some dignity.

26.2 miles and a copious amount of pop songs later, and by the grace of God, I did make it. It’s all a bit of a blur after crossing that finish line because I’m pretty sure hypothermia was kicking in big time at that point and I hardly had the strength to peel a banana for nourishment. After slowly and painfully stumbling around the fairgrounds parking lot in search of my car whose location I had completely forgotten, I was finally able to crank up the heat and thaw out before losing any of my limbs to gangrene. What. A. Relief.  The craziest part of the whole thing is I kind of want to do it again….but next time I’ll be sure to have these….

Keeping Up With the Robs

As if taking New York and Miami weren’t enough….US weekly has confirmed that several members of the Kardashian “Klan” are making the move to Dallas. Read story here: http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/rob-kardashian-is-moving-to-dallas-with-khloe-lamar-odom-20111312

Can’t say that I blame them. Word travels fast these days and it was only a matter of time before the cool kids learned of my move to the south. I tend to be the epitome of a trend setter and I would like to go on record as the person who told Gaga that mint is going to be very big in fashion this spring. Marry the Night? Anyone? Yep, totally me.  The real curve ball in this whole scenario is that Rob Kardashian is moving along with Kloe and Lamar. What a good brother.  Hopefully there is enough room in this town for another Rob because if I had a quarter for every Robert I’ve met since moving here I totally could have afforded a rental from Red Box tonight.  What I wanna know is what an average day in the life of Rob Kardashian is like? Let’s be real, someone must have switched us at birth because he is clearly living the life I was meant to lead. Plus Kourtney and I basically look like we could be twins. Some guys have all the luck. Dating a Cheetah Girl? Unemployed and living off the wealth of his sisters? Almost wins Dancing with the Stars?  Rob! If you’re reading this, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

Now, I know I’ve said it before, but this is a TOTAL God thing. This is my ticket to getting on a reality show cuz you know they’ll be taping down here. I knew turning down casting offers from the A-List or Most Eligible Dallas producers was a smart move. This could be my perfect debut to the American public.  I mean seriously, how great would it be if Rob’s two best friends on the show were recent/fabulous Dallas transplants by the same name? You just can’t write this stuff!!!! Obviously we’d have sooooo much in common and sooooo much drama to talk about during our staged life debriefs as we scour the shelves of the bound to be opened Dash store before grabbing happy hour at Uncle Julio's. And just think of the spin off show possibilities. “Keeping Up with the Robs”. “Rob, Rob, and Robbie take Dallas.” Dallas’s Most Eligible Robs”….they’ll love it on Lifetime. Before you know it I’ll be running out of places to put my daytime Emmy’s. BRB, I think Ryan Seacrest is calling.....

I'm in Texas Ya'll!!!!

Howdy ya’ll. I’m coming to you live from the brand spankin new headquarters of ROBSESSED. That’s right. Dallas, Texas – or more specifically, a blow up twin-sized mattress in a dark, tiny room with a window covered in Reynold’s Wrap to keep out the sunlight. But don’t worry, I am not being held hostage in Bart and Brett’s apartment. This is all consensual because I really did choose to move here even though every person I told beforehand informed me I was crazy. It’s been a week since the new roomie Robbie Baker and I took one last look at Walla Walla in the rearview mirror as we set out on some lost highways (Jess Miller, I did this reference for you) towards the great state of Texas!

So here I am, 1,789 miles later. It was a pretty smooth trip for the most part. I had a bit of an uneasy feeling most of the drive because there seemed to be an alarmingly large of amount of traffic heading in the complete opposite direction of Texas while Robbie and I were usually the only two cars for miles heading south. Was there something people weren’t telling us? The drive was boring as hell for a majority of the ride. Don’t even get me started Wyoming. All I can say is thank God for Little America and its 50-cent cones. Luckily Robbie and I both have Verizon cell plans so we were able to talk on the phone for hours on end without worrying about using up our minutes. The original plan had been to use walkie talkies as a form of communication but they got packed away with the UHAUL with the Karaoke machine so our homage to the 90’s didn’t end up happening. Another bump along the way happened 5 minutes from the Oklahoma border when I was allegedly speeding through a 35 MPH zone at an alarming rate of 45 MPH. Again, I stress that these are pure allegations. Robbie was hot on my tail with the UHAUL when I looked behind me to see the all too familiar glow of red and blue lights. Robbie was most likely texting, reading a book, or falling asleep at the wheel during this time because we drove about 2 miles before he even noticed the cop. I was torn between pulling over with him or driving on a head. I chose the latter because I wasn’t about to give this Colorado cop a 2 for 1 special, I was in serious need of a power nap, and I had packed away my Geico Insurance cards so if the cop got all chatty Cathy and up in my business I would have been screwed. The second run in with the law happened later that night just as we were pulling into Dallas at the ungodly hour of 3:30 am. I was completely delusional and reciting monologues from NPR at this point to keep me from losing it when once again, the all too familiar glow of red and blue lights came on. This time I was completely not at fault because Robbie had forgotten to put on his blinker when changing lanes. Before I knew it Robbie was facedown on the ground in handcuffs while the police officer searched through our UHAUL with the accusation that we were smuggling illegal aliens in our 8 x10 trailer. The main giveaway that two white boys from Seattle were obviously human trafficking was the fact that our tags were expired. And when I say expired I mean they expired in 1996. How this minor and vitally important detail had gone unnoticed by UHAUL Enterprises for the past 15 years will always remain a mystery.

All that drama aside, you will all be pleased to know that Robbie and I are fun, flirty, and thriving down here in Dallas. It’s incredibly different from the big city yankee life I’ve grown accustomed to in the Pacific Northwest and I still have a lot to learn but here are a few lessons learned so far:

1.Never under any circumstance should one attempt to use chapstick that has been sitting in a car for hours on end in 110 degree weather. It will only result in second degree burns and leave you looking like you just made out with a glazed Krispy Kreme doughnut. Just trust me on this one.

2. Never attend a pool party unless you’ve been given a 24 hour notice. Robbie and I were invited to our first pool party approximately 1 hour before it was planned to start which coincidentally was the morning that I decided to go on a carb binge and devour a plate of spaghetti, a bagel, and a bowl of cheerios all before 11 am. Sadly I attended my first pool party with a food baby that made me look like I’d just entered my 3^rd trimester, which wasn’t exactly the kind of splash I was hoping to make.

3. Never go through the 4 lane drive thru line at the local In n Out on a day when there is a heat advisory of 110 degrees and the local news anchor tells you not to leave your home even if an intruder with a knife breaks in. Robbie and I thought we were stronger than these pansy Texans who couldn’t handle a little heat and set out for our favorite fast food restaurant. Before we knew it the car had overheated and was utterly incapable of producing air conditioning. We of course were stuck in the drive through line at this point with sweat flowing down our bodies like Niagara Falls. I was about to pass out at the wheel when we miraculously pulled up to the pick up window. We had ordered 5 different beverages and I voraciously took giant gulps out of each one as I passed them over to Robbie who by that point was unresponsive and had the grip of a newborn kitten. Luckily we were in his car so it wasn’t my problem if the strawberry milkshake fell onto the upholstery. Once we got our food we made the decision to make a run for it into the In n Out where after being revived by the friendly staff enjoyed a lovely air conditioned meal.

In more important news, I would like to draw your attention to the above picture. This is my GOOD friend Maddie. Yesterday, Maddie drove two hours out of her way with the sole purpose of seeing my smiling face BECAUSE SHE’S A GOOD FRIEND. Take notes people, real friends visit their friends who are stranded in Texas without enough money in the bank to afford a one-way ticket back to Washington. Thanks Maddie. You’re the best. Also, in case you were wondering, Robbie and I will be moving into our new, adorable, 1950’s apartment next week where the floor, coffee table, and bathtub will always be available for visitors and weary travelers who need a place to sleep. See ya’ll real soon J

P.S. A special thanks goes out to: Jess Miller, Lauren Suerth, George and Cathy, Adrian Fry, and the Widstrom Family who all provided Robbie and myself with food and shelter during our longer journey. Love you all!