#Grammys2013

Over the past few years The Grammys have weaseled their way into my affections and become my favorite awards show of the entire year. Last nights show proved to be an interesting one since there weren't any artists who completely swept up all Grammys like my beloved Adele and Beyonce have done in the past two years. It was generous of them to spread the wealth because clearly there are lots of worthy musicians who deserve to be awarded for their musical efforts. Music is something that's always been a special part of my life and whether I'm hitting the stair monster, getting ready for a night out, or sitting at my desk working I almost always have music playing. These days I don't have as much time and money to keep up on movies but luckily my 10 dollar a month Spotify account keeps me up to date on what the whipper snappers are listening to on the radio.

Last night I debated doing an intensive live Twitter feed of the nights big moments but then I remembered that I only have 22 followers and half of them are probably robots so it would have been pointless. Although big shout out to Tamara for throwing me a few favorites and re-tweets. Love you boo boo! Thanks for making me feel a little less alone in the Twitter-sphere.

So the following is what would have been my hypothetical twitter feed if I was in fact twitter-famous....

Taylor “Uncle Sam” Swift. You realize you are no longer able to call yourself a country artist, right? Also, “ I’m sorry but I’m busy opening up the Grammy’s” might me the best “stick this in your pipe and smoke it” line I’ve ever heard #suckitharrystyles

ADELE”S HERE! SHE’S HERE!

Ed Sheeran. I have the biggest friend crush on you.  When I begin my music career would you be so kind as to pen a few ditties for me? #thanksboo #littlethings2.0

Elton John. I don’t really like it when you sing Ed’s songs. There’s not enough room on that tiny, circular stage for two gingers and while you could sing “Candle In The Wind’ all day long without a complaint from me, I’m really not feeling your take on the “A Team”. #sorryi’mnotsorry

Testicular Cancer/Valentines Day commercial. Really? Really?? I thought you were going to be just another K-Y commercial. You sure showed me. #livestrong

Katy Perry. You was robbed!!! Not by Adele because she actually deserved the best Pop Performance Grammy but aside from making my most listened to song of 2012, Wide Awake should have won an award for something!

Adele looks like she's wearing a couch cushion from an old ladies house which makes me love her more than I thought was humanly possible.

John Mayer. Your suit is glowing. Where can I get me one of those!?!?!

Miranda Lambert. Step away from the Bedazzler before you lose an eyelid.

Carrie Underwood. Everybody gives a shout out to God when they win a Grammy. But I actually believed you. #onwardchristiansoldier #thislittlelightofmine

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. You give me hope! And when did ya'll get so skinny!? #trimspababy

Fun. You’re leading me to believe that man-capris are coming back in style. Can you give me a firm confirmation that I can pull them off before I have all my current pants tailored?

Justin Timberlake. I’ve got a bone to pick with you. “Futuresex/Lovesounds” was flawless. FLAWLESS And since you dropped it in like 2007, I’ve waited patiently for 6 long years for you to drop a new single. I’m gonna be honest. Suit and Tie is not what I waited for all these years. But I have faith the rest of your album is going to make me a very happy man. #notimpressed #bringsexyback

Kelly Rowland. Did you not get the email from CBS? You know, the one about not wearing revealing outfits? Check your spam box. #iknowyougotit

What does Urban Contemporary even mean? All I know is I’m so glad that Frank Ocean won, even though your acceptance speech was awkward.

Adam Levine. You sound amazing on your albums. And if there was someone who’s recording voice I wish I had it would be you. But then you go and sing live and…..well…..it’s a good thing you’re pretty.

I pity the person who got stuck sitting behind Solange’s Afro. Seriously, most obstructed view in the house thanks in part to the fact that Gaga was a not in attendance.

I fucking love Kelly Clarkson. She is so genuine. So talented. Clearly surprised as we all were about winning, even though she clearly deserved it. #stronger

Rihanna. Spill. What did you cut out of your diet to get that body because seriously, I have a high school reunion coming up and I need to know. Also, you killed that performance. #thatRihannarainjustwon’tletup #stay

Love Frank Ocean. And love that he’s basically wearing the same outfit I wore when I gave a presentation on the Civil War in 5^th grade. #A+

How is CBS still America’s most watched network?? Touched by an Angel Dr. Quin Medicine Woman has been off the air for over a decade!? America. Just tape The Big Bang Theory for once, for crying out loud! #tinafey #damnu2andahalfmen

Jack White. Get in touch with the person who does beyonce’s weaves. You can do better. You deserve better. #itgetsbetter

Best quote of the night goes to Katy Perry when presenting Best New Artist. "If you don't win, don't worry. I was never even nominated in this category and I have my own eyelash line,".

Fun. If you’re saying you’ve been doing this for 12 years then how the hell did you just win the best new artist award? #confused #idemandarecount

Why did none of my prom dates ever have Carrie Underwood’s light up dress?? #regrets

Gotye and his lady friend winning Record of the Year and getting all sorts of choked up when getting the Grammy handed to them from Prince was touching #I’mfeelingverklempt

Alabama shakes lady seriously looked like she took a time machine from the 1930’s to get to the Grammy’s and I love her for it. #vintage #oldsoul

Frank Ocean. Best entrance and exit of the night. #youcandonowrong #forestgump #seamless

What did Mumford and Sons say that was censored?? And am I the only person who didn’t know they were British? #so2000andlate

And the Grammy goes to...

Oh man. One of my favorite television events of the season has “at last” (R.I.P. Etta) come and so quickly has gone. As usual, there was an artist who went around snatchin’ up all the awards. Last year Beyonce had everybody putting a ring on it as well as putting a check next to her name on the nominee ballot, and this year it was Adele’s turn. It would appear there were no hanging chads in this Grammy race and thank goodness cuz home girl deserved every award she was nominated for. I’d go as far to say that she should have won even the awards she wasn’t nominated for…Best R & B album, Best Rock Performance, Best Spoken Word...you get the idea. I’m a fan. Who knew that a free Starbucks iTunes song of the week called Chasing Pavements back in 2008 would end with this only 4 years later? Crazy.  I will say though, I was a little it disappointed when she only performed one song. Definitely had my fingers crossed for some sort of Glee inspired mash up, but seeing as she just recovered from throat surgery it’s probably best to take things slow. All I know is I was praying for the tears to start falling when she got record of the year and they most certainly did. Plus, I think I’ve developed the biggest friend crush ever when she blurted out in-between sniffles that she had snot running down her nose.

Now as for the rest of the artists this evening….

Ok Taylor Swift. You know how much I love you. I’ve bought all your albums and have all the lyrics memorized. But seriously, if your jaw drops to the ground one more time, whether or not you get a standing ovation or a Grammy, I’m gonna give you some more tears for your guitar. Frankly, nobody including myself is buying your fake show of astonishment upon receiving any form of recognition at this point. You’re good. People love you. You already have more Grammy’s than you have bedazzled pink guitars so let's stop acting like it's breaking news.

Chris Brown. DAMN YOU!! I try so hard not to like you after what you did to my girl Rhianna, but then you keep coming out with awesome dance moves and catchy pop tunes that keep weaseling their way into my affections.

Jennifer Hudson. You nailed the Whitney Houston tribute, although I wouldn’t have minded if you had thrown in a little “Million Dollar Bill” to perk up the depressing white elephant in the room. But let’s get down to brass tacks. You obviously have one of the best voices in the biz and you almost have me convinced to join weight watchers.  But as I discussed with Skip, when your best song from both your albums is “Spotlight” I think it’s time to surround yourself with some new songwriters/producers. I’m praying you are currently chatting it up with the silver fox that helped Adele write “Rolling in the Deep” because he is exactly what you need.

Nicki Minaj. WHAT. WERE . YOU. THINKING???? Your performance left me feeling like I needed to go to confessional. And who the hell is Roman???

Gaga. I’m incredibly impressed by the self-control you conveyed by only making one outfit change during the entire night. I really didn’t think you had it in you.

Katy Perry. Love the new song. I will obviously be buying it….after I get that tax return. But for the love of Whitney Houston… STEP AWAY FROM THE HAIR CRIMPER AND BLUE HAIR DYE.

Beach Boys/Beach Boy cover bands. Aside from all things Adele, you were the highlight of the show for me. Loved every minute of that nostalgic trip through my musical past, even if the guy from Foster the People was super awkward and kinda pitchy. I was left wishing you had all been there when I saw you perform at that Indian Casino somewhere outside of Yakima, Washington. Things are obviously looking up for you because there really wasn’t anywhere to go but up as I sat between my parents in bleachers while 50 year old couples got tipsy and awkwardly danced around to “Surfer Girl”.