Thursday, October 14, 2010

Bye Bye Bye...tonsils

So this past week or so has been a long one. It began with what my anesthesiologist described as "an assault on my throat". At the ripe old age of 24 I finally had my tonsils removed. Why the doctors didn't just take them out as a youngster like the majority of the population I'll never know. Through the years, experts had always assured me that I had abnormally small tonsils that shouldn't cause me any problems. And of course being the trusting, blindly follow kind of person I am I believed their words. Then came the sporadic sore throats and what I can only grossly describe as cottage cheese like entities that I'd hack up at very inopportune times. I finally decided enough was enough. The tonsils needed to go.

So last Tuesday was the big day. I had been good and not eaten past midnight the previous night. In preparation my calorie intake that Monday rivaled that of a squirrel ravenously preparing for winter. Going without food is something I'm not very good at so in preparation I consumed roughly 4,000 calories with the hope my body would slowly digest over the first few days post surgery. I was the first patient that morning and mom and dad drove me there at the ungodly hour of 6:30. After stripping down to my boxers and putting on the gown and requesting several warm blankets they wheeled me in to the surgery room. The last thing I remember before going under was the cold sensation of the anesthesia rushing through my blood stream and Dr. Rice telling me that this was Michael Jackson's drug of choice. What about that statement was supposed to bring me comfort!?!?! This stuff killed him!?!?! He'd obviously missed the memo about me being the unrefuted prince of pop (shut your mouth Justin Bieber) and had I succumb to the same sort of tragedy that took Michael the world would have mourned. Mourned I tell you!

The first few days were not fun. However it was by no means as bad as when I had my wisdom teeth taken out. That was pure hell and if anyone had offered me a diet coke with a teaspoon of arsenic during those dark days I would have graciously thanked them and asked for a straw. It was that bad. One thing you quickly come to realize after a tonsillectomy is how often the average human swallows in a day. I was told it was somewhere around 600. That sure felt a like a low estimate!! Oh and waking up several times every night to the sensation of blooding flowing down your throat gets real old real fast. After one such night my parents decided it was time for a check up to make sure everything was ok. When the doctor asked how much I had bled during the night I was doing my best to guesstimate while under the affect of painkillers. Then completely out of left field my mother pulls out of her Vera Bradley purse a Ziploc bag bulging with all my bloody Kleenex's that she had collected while I was sleeping. Oh yeah, and then my dad felt the need to inform the doctor that the bleeding occurred simultaneously with my first bowel movement in three days. I. WANTED. TO. DIE. (P.S. Mom and Dad if you are reading this, I forgive you and realize now that you did this out of love. xoxo) There has been one at least positive thing that has come from this whole ordeal. I've always said that I was one stomach flu away from my ideal weight. Alright, maybe I've only been saying it since 2006 because I totally stole it from Emily Blunt's character in 'The Devil Wears Prada'. But now I can safely say that I am one tonsillectomy away from my ideal weight! It truly boggles the mind how much weight someone can lose when their only calorie intake for the day is 5 cups of shaved ice, a bowl of blue Jello, and a Tazo Berry Blossom tea with two splenda and a splash of honey! Why didn't anyone tell me about this diet years ago!? Maybe I should write a book because the world must hear the good news.


  1. This reminds me of two things:
    1) my own anesthesiologist Dr. Love who was incredibly gorgeous
    2) When my doctor decided to share with my father that I was not sexually active. He had made dad leave the room in order to ask me as a 7th grader in order to clear me for the "miracle" drug Acutane [how am I still alive?] if I was having sex and "lots of kids do it, and you need to be honest or your child will be deformed if you get pregnant." Dad came back in and he said, "well good news, you're daughters not having sex." Talk about turning red and wanting a diet coke with arsenic. Oh, and if you're wondering, things haven't changed all that much from seventh grade, dammit.

  2. hahahaha Jess you slay me. You should have made a blog about that story...or perhaps you still can???? And I think you had it worse than i did although having it revealed that you bled while taking a dump is still a close second. In my humble opinion.

  3. I still can't get used to the Robsessed alerts I get with titles like "4 eyes" or "bye bye tonsils" :) But I am glad I get them :)

    I need to lose some weight maybe I should go get my tonsils removed? At this point I am getting desperate so after the tonsilectomy I'll try to get a stomach flu. The consumption of shaved ice may take care of that...

    You should totally write a book about this :)

  4. Gozde,
    Well despite the fact that my blog rarely mentions the great Robert Pattinson I'm still glad you find time to read it :) As a way of saying thank you, once I write the book I'll send you an autographed first edition lol Until then good luck with the shaved ice :)

  5. I shall be waiting for that signed copy with bated breath :) I got stomach flu last weekend , buh bye 5 pounds.