Monday, February 4, 2013

Beyoncé Bowl


It pretty much goes without saying that I'm not much of a sports guy. Lord knows the last time these baby hands of mine tried to unsuccessfully grip, let alone throw, a football. Truth be told I begged my parents before starting my Freshman year of high school to let all 105 pounds me try out for the football team. Like everyone else, I was a delusional adolescent with big dreams of being popular and having ripped abs. Clearly it wasn't meant to be. George and Cathy quickly shut down that teenage dream with a big fat "NO" which quite honestly probably saved my life. Since then I've shown little to no interest in the sport. Truthfully I had no idea which two teams were even playing in the Super Bowl this year until Alicia Keyes finished her 20 minute rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. How she took a song that my highschool choir could finish in 30 seconds flat and turned it into the length of a Laguna Beach episode is still blowing my mind.

Clearly the one and only reason I tuned in for this years game was for the much hyped halftime show. Or as it has been labeled, the Beyonce Bowl. The past years shows have been hit and miss with a lot of miss. Sure Madonna's was awesome and maybe the best ever, but it came after years of some pretty boring shows. Anybody else remember the less than rousing performance by Tom Petty and the Heart Breakers? More like Tom Petty and the Heart Pacers but that's neither her nor there. All I know is whoever his caretaker is should be ashamed of themselves for letting him up on the stage without a walker and oxygen tank. The man was clearly strugglin'.

Beyonce Bowl started off strong. Great entrance. Fierce pose. You really can't go wrong with a burning silhouette of yourself off in the distance as you rise from the darkness. Loved the lace and leather outfit which left little to no chance of a repeat incident known as Nipplegate, although I'm sure One Million Moms gave a collective shriek when she whipped off the leather jacket. Please. Give Beyonce a little credit. You know she probably used the equivalent amount of double sided tape that JLO has consumed in her lifetime just for that one outfit. Haters to the left to the left.

After loads of dancing, hair-flipping, and vocal runs (just to make sure the people at home knew she was singing live) came the big moment. The Destiny's Child Reunion. Even though I was never a huge DC fan I got a little giddy seeing them together again. My first thought was one of concern for Michelle Williams who as we all know has had problems with hand eye coordination in the past. Exhibit A:


As seen above, it's every woman for herself in Destiny's Child so it's a good thing Michelle was able to oh so shakily land on her feet after being thrown on the stage for her entrance. My focus then shifted back to the woman of the hour who for some unknown reason looked pissed beyond all get out.


My theory is she was jealous of how great Kelly's bangs looked.  What I say to that is "Gurl. You just got paid enough by Pepsi alone to end AIDS, cancer, and world hunger within 24 hours. Why you mad???!!!" If anybody had any right to be mad it should have been Kelly and Michelle. On top of getting thrown on stage by a linebacker out of a hole in the floor, their mics were obviously turned down to at least 30% volume. That's show biz kids.

I'm not convinced that the show topped last years halftime extravaganza and I think the ending could have used a little more oomph and girl power than "Halo" offered but it was worth the two hour wait just for those 10 minutes of pure pop bliss. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if JT had come out for a quick duet of "Till the End of Time". Had this dream become a reality I would have lost my shit. So it's probably for the best it didn't happen.

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