Over the past few years The Grammys have weaseled their way into my affections and become my favorite awards show of the entire year. Last nights show proved to be an interesting one since there weren't any artists who completely swept up all Grammys like my beloved Adele and Beyonce have done in the past two years. It was generous of them to spread the wealth because clearly there are lots of worthy musicians who deserve to be awarded for their musical efforts. Music is something that's always been a special part of my life and whether I'm hitting the stair monster, getting ready for a night out, or sitting at my desk working I almost always have music playing. These days I don't have as much time and money to keep up on movies but luckily my 10 dollar a month Spotify account keeps me up to date on what the whipper snappers are listening to on the radio.
Last night I debated doing an intensive live Twitter feed of the nights big moments but then I remembered that I only have 22 followers and half of them are probably robots so it would have been pointless. Although big shout out to Tamara for throwing me a few favorites and re-tweets. Love you boo boo! Thanks for making me feel a little less alone in the Twitter-sphere.
So the following is what would have been my hypothetical twitter feed if I was in fact twitter-famous....
Taylor “Uncle Sam” Swift. You realize you are no longer able to call yourself a country artist, right? Also, “ I’m sorry but I’m busy opening up the Grammy’s” might me the best “stick this in your pipe and smoke it” line I’ve ever heard #suckitharrystyles
Ed Sheeran. I have the biggest friend crush on you. When I begin my music career would you be so kind as to pen a few ditties for me? #thanksboo #littlethings2.0
Elton John. I don’t really like it when you sing Ed’s songs. There’s not enough room on that tiny, circular stage for two gingers and while you could sing “Candle In The Wind’ all day long without a complaint from me, I’m really not feeling your take on the “A Team”. #sorryi’mnotsorry
Testicular Cancer/Valentines Day commercial. Really? Really?? I thought you were going to be just another K-Y commercial. You sure showed me. #livestrong
Katy Perry. You was robbed!!! Not by Adele because she actually deserved the best Pop Performance Grammy but aside from making my most listened to song of 2012, Wide Awake should have won an award for something!Adele looks like she's wearing a couch cushion from an old ladies house which makes me love her more than I thought was humanly possible.
John Mayer. Your suit is glowing. Where can I get me one of those!?!?!
Miranda Lambert. Step away from the Bedazzler before you lose an eyelid.
Carrie Underwood. Everybody gives a shout out to God when they win a Grammy. But I actually believed you. #onwardchristiansoldier #thislittlelightofmine
Faith Hill and Tim McGraw. You give me hope! And when did ya'll get so skinny!? #trimspababy
Fun. You’re leading me to believe that man-capris are coming back in style. Can you give me a firm confirmation that I can pull them off before I have all my current pants tailored?
Justin Timberlake. I’ve got a bone to pick with you. “Futuresex/Lovesounds” was flawless. FLAWLESS And since you dropped it in like 2007, I’ve waited patiently for 6 long years for you to drop a new single. I’m gonna be honest. Suit and Tie is not what I waited for all these years. But I have faith the rest of your album is going to make me a very happy man. #notimpressed #bringsexyback
Kelly Rowland. Did you not get the email from CBS? You know, the one about not wearing revealing outfits? Check your spam box. #iknowyougotit
What does Urban Contemporary even mean? All I know is I’m so glad that Frank Ocean won, even though your acceptance speech was awkward.
Adam Levine. You sound amazing on your albums. And if there was someone who’s recording voice I wish I had it would be you. But then you go and sing live and…..well…..it’s a good thing you’re pretty.
I pity the person who got stuck sitting behind Solange’s Afro. Seriously, most obstructed view in the house thanks in part to the fact that Gaga was a not in attendance.
I fucking love Kelly Clarkson. She is so genuine. So talented. Clearly surprised as we all were about winning, even though she clearly deserved it. #stronger
Rihanna. Spill. What did you cut out of your diet to get that body because seriously, I have a high school reunion coming up and I need to know. Also, you killed that performance. #thatRihannarainjustwon’tletup #stay
Love Frank Ocean. And love that he’s basically wearing the same outfit I wore when I gave a presentation on the Civil War in 5th grade. #A+
How is CBS still America’s most watched network?? Touched by an Angel Dr. Quin Medicine Woman has been off the air for over a decade!? America. Just tape The Big Bang Theory for once, for crying out loud! #tinafey #damnu2andahalfmen
Jack White. Get in touch with the person who does beyonce’s weaves. You can do better. You deserve better. #itgetsbetter
Best quote of the night goes to Katy Perry when presenting Best New Artist. "If you don't win, don't worry. I was never even nominated in this category and I have my own eyelash line,".
Fun. If you’re saying you’ve been doing this for 12 years then how the hell did you just win the best new artist award? #confused #idemandarecount
Why did none of my prom dates ever have Carrie Underwood’s light up dress?? #regrets
Gotye and his lady friend winning Record of the Year and getting all sorts of choked up when getting the Grammy handed to them from Prince was touching #I’mfeelingverklempt
Alabama shakes lady seriously looked like she took a time machine from the 1930’s to get to the Grammy’s and I love her for it. #vintage #oldsoul
Frank Ocean. Best entrance and exit of the night. #youcandonowrong #forestgump #seamless
What did Mumford and Sons say that was censored?? And am I the only person who didn’t know they were British? #so2000andlate