It's a Twister!

Lord have mercy, this week in Dallas has just been a mad whirl (pun intended). Yes, siree Bob. If any of you people up North happened to turn on the television this past Tuesday you might have noticed that Dallas got hit with not one, not two, but twelve tornadoes. Yeah, and Dorothy Gale and Toto thought they had it bad with one...bunch of pansies. I am quickly learning that southern living isnt just for the faint heart. It ain't all sunny days, daisy dukes, and fried chicken! Shit gets real!

  It was a slow day at the office and we had just finished lunch when the news broke. A tornado had touched down somewhere south of Dallas. Now as usual, I failed to give mother nature enough credit and greatly underestimated the situation at hand. Kinda like the day that Dallas residents were warned not to leave their homes due to extremely high temperatures. Do you really think that stopped me from making a quick trip to In n Out Burger to pick up my #2 meal, during which time i sweated out every ounce of fluid my body had to offer? Of course not. And it was totally worth it. Then there was the time I was in LA during an earthquake which at first I mistook for a bout of Vertigo. Do you think I let a few cracks in the pavement and some swaying buildings ruin my sightseeing plans? Not this guy! Within 5 minutes I was underground and taking the next subway to Hollywood because this tourist had places to go and D-List celebrities to hunt down.

So everybody is starting to get serious about the whole situation by now I'm assuming people are making a big deal out of nothing. I mean come on. I've survived a hurricane in Florida when I was vacationing at Disney World and while the palm trees were swaying we just hung out indoors and watched "Lilo and Stitch" and "The Rookie" on repeat for 48 hours straight. No big deal right? (Did I mention  no amount of money could persuade me to watch either of those movies ever again?) Anyways, before I have enough time time to make a "there's no place like home" joke, the cities alarms are sounding, my co-worker Marlee is frantically scavenging the office in search of a pillow to shield her from falling debris, Larita and Sherlene are making a beeline for the back door to have one last smoke, golf ball sized hail is falling from the heavens,  and all 8 of us end up crammed into a tiny computer room watching the news as 18 wheelers are being hoisted hundreds of feet up into the air  like my beloved Raggedy Ann and Andy Dolls.

By now I was fairly concerned. Especially once I took into consideration the fact that our office is located in strip mall that as of a week ago had become infested with termites. Therefore, there was no way in hell my office walls were gonna survive a hit from 150 mile an hour winds. At this point I did what every other person in my ruby slippers would have done. I called my roommate Robbie to tell him that if I died it was all his fault for conning me into moving to Dallas in the first place and that I cursed the day he was born! That felt good. After getting that off my chest,  a flood of thoughts and questions came running through my mind...does my insurance cover tornado collision or is that a completely separate thing I should have looked into 24 hours ago....do I have time to take a quick poop because who knows when I'll get to leave this room again...if I seek shelter in the nearby Mediterranean Restaurant I wonder what my chances of getting free pita and hummus are...should I call Mom or has Grandma already checked the Dallas weather today and told her my chances of survival aren't lookin too good...what should my last Facebook status update be.....definitely needs to be something witty because i wanna leave this world on a high note of LOL's and "Like" buttons.

After about an hour of keeping our eyes glued to the events unfolding before our eyes on the iPad screen and after being asked by several "concerned"friends to upload some cool and vintage Instagram pics from the eye of the storm, it became evident that we were probably going to be ok...which also meant we had to get back to work and be productive. Wah wah. It was all rather anticlimactic but I was thankful in the long run for no harm being done to myself and those around me. Even though the hail did leave some nasty dents in my car, I am counting my blessings that the Matrix stayed in the same parking spot I had put it in earlier that day. You just never know what the day will bring.

We Are Young

The Legacy of the Rob and Robbie show continues on. Here is our latest offering to the world in the form of a cover song to the bestie, Jess Miller. Sit back, relax, and let the sound of our angelic voices fill your cubicle.

And the Grammy goes to...

Oh man. One of my favorite television events of the season has “at last” (R.I.P. Etta) come and so quickly has gone. As usual, there was an artist who went around snatchin’ up all the awards. Last year Beyonce had everybody putting a ring on it as well as putting a check next to her name on the nominee ballot, and this year it was Adele’s turn. It would appear there were no hanging chads in this Grammy race and thank goodness cuz home girl deserved every award she was nominated for. I’d go as far to say that she should have won even the awards she wasn’t nominated for…Best R & B album, Best Rock Performance, Best Spoken Word...you get the idea. I’m a fan. Who knew that a free Starbucks iTunes song of the week called Chasing Pavements back in 2008 would end with this only 4 years later? Crazy.  I will say though, I was a little it disappointed when she only performed one song. Definitely had my fingers crossed for some sort of Glee inspired mash up, but seeing as she just recovered from throat surgery it’s probably best to take things slow. All I know is I was praying for the tears to start falling when she got record of the year and they most certainly did. Plus, I think I’ve developed the biggest friend crush ever when she blurted out in-between sniffles that she had snot running down her nose.

Now as for the rest of the artists this evening….

Ok Taylor Swift. You know how much I love you. I’ve bought all your albums and have all the lyrics memorized. But seriously, if your jaw drops to the ground one more time, whether or not you get a standing ovation or a Grammy, I’m gonna give you some more tears for your guitar. Frankly, nobody including myself is buying your fake show of astonishment upon receiving any form of recognition at this point. You’re good. People love you. You already have more Grammy’s than you have bedazzled pink guitars so let's stop acting like it's breaking news.

Chris Brown. DAMN YOU!! I try so hard not to like you after what you did to my girl Rhianna, but then you keep coming out with awesome dance moves and catchy pop tunes that keep weaseling their way into my affections.

Jennifer Hudson. You nailed the Whitney Houston tribute, although I wouldn’t have minded if you had thrown in a little “Million Dollar Bill” to perk up the depressing white elephant in the room. But let’s get down to brass tacks. You obviously have one of the best voices in the biz and you almost have me convinced to join weight watchers.  But as I discussed with Skip, when your best song from both your albums is “Spotlight” I think it’s time to surround yourself with some new songwriters/producers. I’m praying you are currently chatting it up with the silver fox that helped Adele write “Rolling in the Deep” because he is exactly what you need.

Nicki Minaj. WHAT. WERE . YOU. THINKING???? Your performance left me feeling like I needed to go to confessional. And who the hell is Roman???

Gaga. I’m incredibly impressed by the self-control you conveyed by only making one outfit change during the entire night. I really didn’t think you had it in you.

Katy Perry. Love the new song. I will obviously be buying it….after I get that tax return. But for the love of Whitney Houston… STEP AWAY FROM THE HAIR CRIMPER AND BLUE HAIR DYE.

Beach Boys/Beach Boy cover bands. Aside from all things Adele, you were the highlight of the show for me. Loved every minute of that nostalgic trip through my musical past, even if the guy from Foster the People was super awkward and kinda pitchy. I was left wishing you had all been there when I saw you perform at that Indian Casino somewhere outside of Yakima, Washington. Things are obviously looking up for you because there really wasn’t anywhere to go but up as I sat between my parents in bleachers while 50 year old couples got tipsy and awkwardly danced around to “Surfer Girl”.

A New Year in Austin

This past weekend was a very exciting one, for many reasons. Obviously it meant the end of 2011 and the dawning of what the Mayan’s are calling our last year on earth…but more importantly I finally got to visit one of the coolest cities ever. You may have heard of the place they call the capital of Texas, the land of the hipsters, the 3^rd fastest growing city in America, the Seattle of Texas, the live music capital of the world, the New Jerusalem and as of 3 days ago; the place where I want to grow old with my partner in crime and raise our hipster babies. Yes, I am speaking of the one and only, Austin. Ever since I crossed the Texas border last July people have done nothing but talk up this place. They told me I would love it and that I probably wouldn’t want to leave once i bathed in its glory. I was a little concerned that it had all been so built up in my mind that it would lead to nothing but disappointment. Turns out there was no need to fret. It was all that jazz and more. It’s probably a good thing I put off visiting this long because had this happened before getting my current job, I probably would have sneaked out of my apartment in the dead of  night before the next month's rent was due and never looked back. Sorry, Robbie. Too put it in simple terms, if Seattle and Portland ever hooked up and made a baby, it would be Austin.  After five months of living in Dallas with no water, mountains, or trees in sight, it was quite the sight for sore eyes to see a large river running through the middle of downtown and rolling green hills off in the distance. It brought a tear to these brown eyes. Who woulda thought this place would exist in Texas of all places!? It all made me feel right at home, especially the fact that the place is swarming with hipsters whom by now have gone nearly extinct in Dallas. Not that I am a hipster by any means. For one thing i don't chain smoke, I shower at least once a day, I haven't composted in years, and I've never bought anything from Whole Foods aside from a giftcard. Not to say we hipsters have nothing in common. I do love me some cutoffs on a summer day, rockin' the vintage T and Ray-Banz with Fleet Foxes playing gently in the background. More than anything, a hipster sighting leaves me feeling that I'm not so far away from my beloved Pacific Northwest. I'm sure Tamara was probably a little sick of me shrieking and pointing whenever a  hipster on a bike, with a beard, an ugly sweater, a PBR, or a cuorderoy pair of TOMS passed by, but I just couldn't help it! What can I say? It's like comin home.

Me and my Tamara loaded up the Mustang and left for Dallas on Friday after work and headed south to join up with some of her old El Paso friends. From that moment on the good times just kept on a rollin like the nearby Colorado River. Our first order of business was to head to Hotel Vegas because our friend had seen a poster that advertised "Free Beer" for the night. They had me at the word free and it almost was to good to be true! This must be the promised land! Come to find out this so called "Free Beer" was the name of the band performing that night. Sneaky bastards. I'll give them this; an A plus for their marketing strategy. After getting over the false advertisement, we went around taking in the local nightlife which was loads of fun. It involved a lot of dancing and bar hopping and at one point we ended up at a place where the dance floor was on top of an aquarium that used to have live sharks swimming around. Sadly some snitch from PETA found a dead shark in the back dumpster and shut down that operation real quickly. They can be so dramatic sometimes.

Morning soon came and the best part of waking up was the local Austin delicacy known as gingerbread pancakes which were hands down the best pancakes I've ever put in my mouth....and that's sayin' something. They were prepared by our generous hostess Natalie who also makes a mean mole' and who's apartment I now refer to as my timeshare, because God as my witness, I'll be back. The rest of the day was spent doing the things that  real Austinites do such as: browsing the shelves of vintage clothing shops, soaking up the 70 degree weather, dining on organic foods, making a quick stop at American Apparell, and applying an instagram filter to every picture on my camera roll. By the 30th instagram photo upload my fingers and legs were exhausted so we decided nap time was necessary if we wanted to stay awake late enough for the countdown of the ball dropping.

After getting ourselves all dolled up in our New Year's Eve attire and bougin' it up on public transportation, we made our grand entrance to a bar called Shangri-La via a high-speed pedicab ride. The pedicab ride alone was quite an adventure in and of itself and we were happy to be alive after being completely rear-ended by the pedicab that was following us with two of our other friends. Luckily no one, including the driver was injured although I have a feeling there were some choice words between the two drivers after we exited the vehicle because the guy totally dented the back of our pedicab and left it with some strange new squeaky noises. The theme at the bar for the night was sock hop which was really fun and different and let's just say my purely coincidental outfit choice of a clip on bow-tie and suspenders fit right in. Midnight came and went and my new year was ushered in by the sound of the 50's, surrounded by friends both old and new and I even managed to nab a New Year's kiss and possibly the tastiest quesadilla I'd ever tasted. Who could ask for more?

In an effort to prove to me that there are musical options I would enjoy that aren't found on VH1 Top 20 countdown, the 3 hour drive to and from Austin was spent expanding my current itunes library. Here are a few of the songs that are by no means new to the scene, but they are new to me and I hope they bring as much joy to your ears as they did mine. Happy New Year everyone :)

White Rock Marathon

I finally did it. I ran a marathon.  Still not exactly sure what provoked me to do such a thing. Possibly, the fact that I recently turned 26 and am just beginning to come to grips with the fact that the prime years of my life were at least 4 years ago. Back when Jack and Kate were still trapped on a island, Lauren Conrad was still friends with Heidi Montag and Marissa Cooper had just OD’d in TJ.  Ahhh, the golden years. Thus with only a few more good years left before the arthritis kicks in, time is of the essence. And besides, bucket lists don’t check themselves off! I had it narrowed down to the race or skydiving so I went for the slightly less terrifying option.  I started training back in the summer but once I moved to Texas where it was a cool 100 degrees by 11pm, the whole workout plan sort of fell apart. Especially, after the 3^rd minor heat stroke. Once October came around I started to hit it hard again and was really starting to put some miles on my new pair of Asics. Then came daylight savings and although I hate running in the dark I tried to make the best of it. For obvious safety reason I started running with an elastic headlamp around my waist as a way to light the way as I frantically prayed to God to send down a few ripped guardian angels to keep me and my iPod shuffle safe. Unfortunately the baby muffin top I‘ve acquired from my mixture of a year living with mom’s home cooking/ being drawn to In n Out like a moth to the flame, had a knack for pressing the on/off switch as I made my way down the road. Giving off a sort of strobe light effect it’s highly likely I sent several night drivers into fits of epilepsy.  My bad. Safety first people!

The 3 weeks leading up to the actual marathon weren’t pretty. I had come down with a slight chest cold right before my birthday and it ended up staying with me for 3 weeks, which really put a damper on my training regime. I was starting to wonder if I should call it quits because I had never run more than 13 miles at any given time. Seeing as I’d already spent half my birthday money on this non-refundable gift I decided to suck it up and give it my best shot. After carb loading like a mad man the night before, the morning of the race I awoke at the ungodly hour of 5:30 am to the sound of torrential downfall. I was not pleased. I hadn’t really done my research on weather conditions for the day of the race so I wasn’t really equipped with the most appropriate attire. Luckily I had red emergency rain poncho that I’m guestimating I purchased back in 2002 and I’d been saving for a time of crisis. The time had come to break that seal and wave my poncho in all it’s glory, even if it did mean covering up my new slim fitting Dri Nike running shirt I’d purchased specifically for the occasion. I had totally dressed to impress because even if I didn’t make it to the finish line, I still wanted to look as Sporty Spice as possible.

I had 3 big fears going into racing day: 

Number 1 –

The possibility that I would shit my self myself mid race

Number 2-

The big unknown of where chafage might and most likely would occur over the course of four hours.

Number 3-

What would happen if my Ipod battery died and I no longer had the thumping beats of a Britney remix to keep me motivated??

As usual, I hadn’t done a very in depth research on marathon running and it wasn’t until talking with my friend Tamara the night before did I learn that it’s a common problem for people to poop themselves while running over long distances.  Thanks to a deadly combination of a generous helping of granola the morning of and pre race jitters, upon arriving at the starting line I had one of those “gotta go gotta go gotta go right now sort of moments.” Apparently I was not alone in the feeling and after standing in line for the honey buckets for almost 15 minutes I was finally able to take care of business before my ass exploded all over the streets of Dallas. I was sort of relieved in a way because I figured I probably wouldn’t need to go again for awhile, although due to my impromptu pit stop I was late for the start of the race and I totally missed the singing of the star spangled banner. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go.

Aside from the fact that it was cold, rainy and I looked like the red M&M with my bright red poncho and icy white hands….Oh and did I mention I had to keep taking off my glasess every mile or so to wipe away the rain with a torn up Hanes shirt?? Yeah, that made me feel REAL cool. All that aside, the first 20 miles of the race were great. I was excited to be there.  I was tossin’ back Gatorade and electrolytes gummies like they were Jell-O shots. There were lots of enthusiastic people with hilarious signs like ““It’s long and hard, so do it fast” ,“Beer misses you too”, “1 Hours till Margaritas”, “Just keep swimming”.  I was digging my playlist and I had gotten a dry pair of socks at mile 9 from Bart, Tamara and KT, which put a little spring in my step while the rest of me was soaked to the bone.

Then came mile 20. Like a freight train. Turns out the episode of The Office where Andy’s nipples start to bleed during the company fun run were based on true events. I mean I had totally put Vaseline on the ol’ nips but I think a mixture of rain and sweat had swept it away miles back. In other words my chest was beginning to resemble a crime scene. I sure didn’t remember this part of “Chariots of Fire”??!! Thank goodness I’d gone with the black windbreaker instead of the white one cuz that would have been embarrassing. I was desperately looking around for anything to ease the pain and was keeping my peripherals peeled for someone with a tube of lip gloss, Chapstick, a maxi pad….ANYTHING to form a barrier between me and my wet shirt. I eventually gave up on that dream and went with the no pain no gain mentality.  As if I weren’t in enough agony, my legs started cramping up like crazy around this same time and I was pretty much over the whole marathon thing by mile 23. I tried my best to imagine myself gliding along on a Segway but it wasn't really helping. Deep down I was praying some random civilian would come out of nowhere and go all Nancy Kerrigan on my legs with a crowbar. At that point they would have been doing me a favor. I know that was so the 1990’s but at least that way I would’ve had a legit reason for not finishing the marathon and still left with some dignity.

26.2 miles and a copious amount of pop songs later, and by the grace of God, I did make it. It’s all a bit of a blur after crossing that finish line because I’m pretty sure hypothermia was kicking in big time at that point and I hardly had the strength to peel a banana for nourishment. After slowly and painfully stumbling around the fairgrounds parking lot in search of my car whose location I had completely forgotten, I was finally able to crank up the heat and thaw out before losing any of my limbs to gangrene. What. A. Relief.  The craziest part of the whole thing is I kind of want to do it again….but next time I’ll be sure to have these….

Keeping Up With the Robs

As if taking New York and Miami weren’t enough….US weekly has confirmed that several members of the Kardashian “Klan” are making the move to Dallas. Read story here: http://www.usmagazine.com/entertainment/news/rob-kardashian-is-moving-to-dallas-with-khloe-lamar-odom-20111312

Can’t say that I blame them. Word travels fast these days and it was only a matter of time before the cool kids learned of my move to the south. I tend to be the epitome of a trend setter and I would like to go on record as the person who told Gaga that mint is going to be very big in fashion this spring. Marry the Night? Anyone? Yep, totally me.  The real curve ball in this whole scenario is that Rob Kardashian is moving along with Kloe and Lamar. What a good brother.  Hopefully there is enough room in this town for another Rob because if I had a quarter for every Robert I’ve met since moving here I totally could have afforded a rental from Red Box tonight.  What I wanna know is what an average day in the life of Rob Kardashian is like? Let’s be real, someone must have switched us at birth because he is clearly living the life I was meant to lead. Plus Kourtney and I basically look like we could be twins. Some guys have all the luck. Dating a Cheetah Girl? Unemployed and living off the wealth of his sisters? Almost wins Dancing with the Stars?  Rob! If you’re reading this, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!

Now, I know I’ve said it before, but this is a TOTAL God thing. This is my ticket to getting on a reality show cuz you know they’ll be taping down here. I knew turning down casting offers from the A-List or Most Eligible Dallas producers was a smart move. This could be my perfect debut to the American public.  I mean seriously, how great would it be if Rob’s two best friends on the show were recent/fabulous Dallas transplants by the same name? You just can’t write this stuff!!!! Obviously we’d have sooooo much in common and sooooo much drama to talk about during our staged life debriefs as we scour the shelves of the bound to be opened Dash store before grabbing happy hour at Uncle Julio's. And just think of the spin off show possibilities. “Keeping Up with the Robs”. “Rob, Rob, and Robbie take Dallas.” Dallas’s Most Eligible Robs”….they’ll love it on Lifetime. Before you know it I’ll be running out of places to put my daytime Emmy’s. BRB, I think Ryan Seacrest is calling.....

Happy Birthday Brit Brit!

In honor of the legendary Miss Britney Spears who is turning 30 today, my roommate Robbie and I took it upon ourselves to write a lil ditty in the form of a special birthday message to the woman who made us STRONGER THAN YESTERDAY  and who will keep us dancing TILL THE WORLD ENDS!!! Happy Birthday Britney! Love you!
xoxo Rob and Robbie